In The End All You Got Is Yourself.

So many days have been passed since I last wrote something here, I guess I was kind of thinking everything is alright or I was pretending everything was alright until I got hit by the reality, the bitter reality that no one in this world is worth your trust. In the end all you got is yourself and no one else is ever going to understand whats in there in your heart. You try to be happy so much and you know that the world cant revolve around one thing and that there are so many things waiting for you to be there. Your happiness is waiting somewhere out there for you all you gotta do is find it search for it and achieve it but these things dun mean a thing to me now. Life itself has lost its charm and excitement that I once had and I dun feel so much fun when I should be laughing out loud. I don’t know if this is the way people feel when they are in twenties or is it just me. I tried to be happy but there’s always something to hold me back and I don’t know what that thing is. I can’t trust anyone anymore though I try to but all I get in return are tears. Why everyone’s gotta be so selfish that they can’t see anyone but themselves? I try not to care about what they’re doing to me or at least stay away but I can’t. I just wanted to be normal again and I tried by moving from the place which was causing all this and now I’m so far away but this isn’t fun naymore. I got admission in College this year and hope that its gonna help make me busy and not think about things so much. I was moving away forvever till I learnt that theres nothing I am moving away from but myself… I should try not to trust people so easily like I always do and trust myself that I can do whatever I want and I know I will. I dun need no one to make me feel better or stay with me I will be on my own and be happy this is my promise to myself and I know its gonna take sometime but I wont let those people to take my life and happiness away from me, after all who they are to me… NO ONE!!!

Agony!!!

I dunno how I am feeling right now. These days I’ve been feeling like I dun wanna live anymore and I dunno what I am gonna do. I just dun wanna think about it and move on with my life but its really really hard for me to do so. I feel empty inside and the things I did enjoy doing with my friends and all I dun enjoy them no more. When I smile it makes me feel like I am only faking it and its really really hard to laugh… even though I try to laugh all the time like I always did in the past and let all this tension go out of me but it wont leave me… I feel like I have some invisible wounds in my soul and it hurts so much, to be honest its killing me and I dunno how to stop crying when I am in my bed pretending to be asleep. I tried to be normal and be my usual self but its not in my control no more. I wanna cry like forever and never recover from this inside… I wanna feel it like so much and just die somewhere or be lost forever. I dunno what I want infact, I want him to be with me but not with he having his heart for someone else, I wont ever do that I know it but why then… why then I care about him that much… can’t I just let it go! letting go of something is really hard for me and thats why I dun usually let people come in when I know when they leave I will be broken and damaged all alone but I dunno how he got in and when did he took my non-existing heart… I’d deny it if he asks me about it and change the topic if I can… the stupid little hiding pain thing in me is so so controlling me all the time and ever since mum died I know that pain should not be expressed in anyway or people will always make fun of me but this pain is really really impossible to be kept inside and its showing in my eyes, thanks God no one really bothers to look in them or they’ll see the agony I am in these days and when they’d ask the reason, I’d have to tell another lie. I really miss him and I don’t wanna be with him!!!

Stupid thing!

These are some things I wrote a while ago and I thought I’d add them here. Feel free to comment about how you find them. Its still not completed and I think I’d change somethings in them soon but it needs time and this is the thing that is really short in days like these.

I’d never thought I’d love you the way I do now,

and let you go to her.

and cry in my bed all night

while smiling when you’re with her.

I never knew I’d have to hide my feelings someday,

and pretend there’s nothing wrong

hoping you’d realize you were mine one day.

you really think you love her?

tell me where went the time we spent?

all those laughters, cries and late night talks

where all that years went?

you say she’s the one you love

and I’m your best friend

and all the while I felt like I

am nothing but some backup plan

and you lean on me for every tear

telling me I’m the only one

you can tell your everything

making me feel like its something

well, I’m really confused

what are you really trying to say

how come I be the only one

when she’s there to stay

tell you the truth

if I had you like she has

I’d throw you away and let you go

cause either way, I’d lost you

and never had you for me alone.

So, just leave me now and never look back

as I’ll not be there to take your hand

and say those words you long to hear

but these thing you wont understand.

Saying Goodbye!!!

Well, this is my last post about the years and the past things that are still on my mind and I promise myself that I wont cry for them or even think about them again. This year has been… well, a nightmare to me in every single way. It had been so tough for me. I had to walk through hell all by myself without even making a sound… it hurt so much and I knew it wont stop until I make it stop so I did. I had to go trying to achieve my dreams and even though I tried I still couldn’t. I wanted to be with someone and that someone didn’t feel the same about me. I wanted to be loved by someone and I got this pain inside me instead. I wanted some, only a little care from my parents and they let me go all through this alone, they still don’t know about it all. I wish that they were a little more caring about what is the thing I want and what not… they still think in a traditional way, they’d do anything to make me happy but if only they knew what is it to make me happy in any way!!! At the begining of this year I thought or it felt like I was the most special person in my dad’s world only to find out later that it was not me. I thought he can’t care more about me but now I know him better and it left me all so empty and alone inside. I thought before that if all the world would leave me he’ll still be on my side and that he had faith in me like no one else but now I know him better. Although he tried making for it but still I wont forget about how he hurt me so deep. I thought that my aunt would love me no matter what and that she is like my mother but now I know that no one can be like the one I lost long long ago. Even she left me alone in my hard times. I miss feeling like I was the most special person in the world for so many people around me but still I can appreciate the fact that I know the reality now and that I finally woke up from the worst dream ever. I thought I had a best best friend in someone and they left me all alone to cry… like I didn’t mean a thing to them. I know I wasn’t but in the beginning it seemed like I was and when I knew I wasn’t I was constantly trying to escape but they wont let me, but finally I did and I am happy for that but I miss my best friend and the feeling that I had someone who’d listen to anything and take it seriously and worry about me and smile when I was happy all along. I just can’t find a thing that went right this year, nothing at all. I know this year has been the worst nightmare I’ve ever had but still I wont change it if I lived through it again, cuz I know it hurt me so much but still it made me a lot more stronger than I ever thought I could be, so finally I thank God for all this and move on looking in the world in the eye and know the things I couldn’t know any other way. Saying goodbye to all this but keeping them safe in my memory, not gonna forget what happened and will always learn from my mistakes cuz I believe this is the best way to live life. I know I’m gonna change a bit to get over it and the change is coming soon I can see it, so,  a very very HAPPY NEW YEAR all of you reading this.

I’m gonna find someone someday, who might actually treat me well!

I know these days you don’t realize what was all this between us and that you think you can get over it but I promise that someday you’re gonna regret that you let me go like this and chose someone else to be with you. I know you will regret it, just like I know that I was not the only one to fall… there was something special between us… can you honestly look me in the eye and tell me there wasn’t anything like that? I know you can’t! But whatever, I am moving on with me, myself and I and now I am not trying to go back to you at all. I know its never gonna be the same, I’ve lost my best friend but I know I will find someone someday who might not leave me for some one else and who might actually see my soul and understand my heart cuz u never did… Why did you make me feel this way if you wasn’t willing to take my hand for the rest of the journey? I’d be happy, really happy if this ain’t happened but now, I am trying to be happy all these days and I guess I’m a little but who cares! I am not missing you the way I used to these days though and I think its a good thing. I am not really looking for someone to be out there to make you feel jealous like you did, as I really don’t give a damn to you about what you think of me now. I have given you enough chances to say those words I wanted to hear but you never said them and now I’m not gonna wait for them to come out… I am not anything like that girl you think you’re in love with, I am not that pretty, I know she is beautiful and I can’t compete that but if looks really matter than it might not be you who I was choosing all this time around… and now I think I’m gonna get someone really cute and smart at the same time who might not be like you in every single way, and I know who thats gonna be… Well, this is how life is you see! I am not you damn girl anymore, crying and breaking down every single night no more. I am going to be happy soon and you’ll see I will!!!

Its killing me to see you go after all this time!

I don’t know why it is like this but I know it is and that I can’t take it this way. don’t wanna talk about it, don’t wanna reveal my deepest secrets when you are not feeling the same about me. Whatever! we both know we have to move on and go along with the paths you chose once. I know you never wanted me to be there like I did, and I know I can’t go back, its a matter of my self respect and I do respect myself more than my emotions. Just don’t know who to talk to or what way I can let it all out of me. I’m screaming out loud even though I know you wouldn’t listen to me anymore but still… I am gonna lose my mind thinking about you. Its so hard for me but seeing you’re doing well with your life make me feel kind of good. I know there are the most caring souls around you that would make you feel good at times you need them. Its just that I don’t have anyone to save me from all this. I can’t have you, not the way it was, it was too unbearable for me now. And you’d never understand why I quit, I know you wont and I can’t explain it to you seeing the result ahead… I never wanted to hurt you, this you know very well. I never knew how much pain can I cause to myself until this happened. I thought the worst thing to feel is, to miss someone, but now I know its nothing. The worst thing is, to be with someone knowing that they are not yours. Knowing that they don’t feel the same about you. Its not easy to feel like this and stay but I did, all this time. But I’m merely a human being I have my limits. I can’t cry and laugh at the same time. So I had to leave you see. May be with time you’ll realize what you’ve missed but it will be too late till then, and I can’t wait, you know me.

New Hopes, Old Life!

Its nearly  5 in the morning and I still can’t sleep. I tried but all I got was memories of the things I lost long ago. It made me think about where my life is going? Why am I still alive? I try to be happy again with others but with them even I feel this emptiness inside, I can’t laugh with all my heart these days and it makes me worried about why? I thought I knew myself and still I do but why I can’t understand what I’m feeling! its terrible to know them afterwards. I think its about me and my dreams, well the only dream I once had but… I didn’t know that I was still into it. I thought it was over and now I was moving on with my life but its not. What life is all about anyway! I don’t know if I can live if I had nothing to look forward to, and even now when I have, I feel like I can never succeed in whatever I am doing. Nobody has the faith in me, I let them all down the last time. It’s really hard to do well when you have all those people expecting you to be the best. I came to know just yesterday when I was talking to someone that they only gave up because of me, if I couldn’t nobody can… according to them. I wanted to tell them that not everybody is a loser like me and they should at least try their best and I tried to, no matter how hard it was for me to do so but still they see more of what I do than to hear what I say, and that’s a wise thing to do but not for the failures I guess. Its really hard to be a role model, even harder to stay being one. I once was a role model to them, the kids around me and now… I screwed it all. I don’t even know what to do about it. I’m not perfect, I’m not the one they should be looking to… I told them that a million times but still they won’t listen. I just want this to be over as soon as it can, I just want this year to be done soon and let the new year come with new hopes and may be when my college starts, I’d forget all about it and be my happy self again! Let’s hope its gonna be!

I’m over it!

Yea, its true! I never thought I would but its true. Somehow I got over it and now I can see my life somewhere else. I am happy about it and now it seems I can set my directions and where am I going again. How it happened? Its a mystery, may be I will go back and look how it is now to see you, well its not gonna be the same and now I can see how it was really. I never wanted to be there its true! I knew somehow that I didn’t belong there and that I should move on and see I did it. So, no more sad things, no more tears to cry. Just let the smile shine on your face and take a way to be at. You know you can better than anyone else. I learn something from it and I am happy that it happened. I would never know how it feels when you break your heart so hard if it haven’t happened so couldn’t discover how to get over it as well. You learn from every mistake you make and believe me its the best way to learn. No matter whatever it is, its gonna pass and leave you with an experience that you can’t take from anywhere else.

There’s nothing in this world I want more!!!

Yea, its so true! I want you more than anything, and anything that I ever wanted! How could I??? I am too deep in it and now it seems I’m never gonna get over it. I can’t take it the way it is and can’t take the other way as well. Its kinda confusing what it is. I’m losing my head thinking about it now and I just can’t seem to get you out of my head. I know if I really wanna get over it, I have to move on, without even looking back for a second but I spend my whole time looking at what could’ve been instead. Isn’t there anything that could just erase these memories… I can’t help it… And you haven’t got a clue about that. Ain’t it funny? I know it is. I am crying and laughing at myself at the same time… but you still can’t see. Why its had to be this way. I was just a girl who’s never done any wrong to anyone. I never thought I would get hurt like this one day once again. I once missed someone so dear to me and now I have to do without you. Its only me who can I blame for all this. I never should have started this. At the start, I thought you were all the same, like all the others… Why you gotta be different, why you gotta care about me that much… but still its not enough for me… the first time in my life and I’m jealous of someone. I never knew this feeling and I would really be happy spending all my life without knowing this feeling. And now I can’t see any way to live at all. I guess I have to stay away for a while and try to get over it. Well, I’ve been trying to get over the one I missed since 20 years now but still can’t… just hope this thing isn’t that deep in me. I should try to be strong I know. I know I have to stop looking for you to be there for me whenever I feel down. I have to be on my own again and it would kill me to be this way, literally, but I have to. I would never tell you that how much, well yea its true, I do love you so much! well, laugh at it if you wanna, I still don’t care! Yea, only you know what it means. Why you gotta understand me like this… why!!! Well, I guess I really am stupid, dying to be somewhere I’m not supposed to be.

Where am I going???

You’re walking on this way for so long without thinking about where its gonna take you, and its been a long time now and now you seem to wake up from your dream and think about where are you going? what is it and why? You ask yourself a million questions every now and then, only to find out you don’t know the answers. You don’t want to be this way, don’t wanna walk on the road that takes you nowhere but still can’t leave. You know the longer it takes you to leave the worse and yet don’t see how to make it any better! You know this is not where you should be but you seem to belong there, more than anywhere else… and you know its where you should have been… you know it more than anything else but can’t stay. You know one day… One day you would have to leave and then you’re gonna miss it like hell, its gonna make you feel worse than ever. But staying here doesn’t make you feel good as well. staying here you feel like, you’re the last person supposed to be here and you can’t get what you want never! and knowing that, you want to move on, some other way but still you’re walking on this way, so long now!!!