I’m gonna find someone someday, who might actually treat me well!

I know these days you don’t realize what was all this between us and that you think you can get over it but I promise that someday you’re gonna regret that you let me go like this and chose someone else to be with you. I know you will regret it, just like I know that I was not the only one to fall… there was something special between us… can you honestly look me in the eye and tell me there wasn’t anything like that? I know you can’t! But whatever, I am moving on with me, myself and I and now I am not trying to go back to you at all. I know its never gonna be the same, I’ve lost my best friend but I know I will find someone someday who might not leave me for some one else and who might actually see my soul and understand my heart cuz u never did… Why did you make me feel this way if you wasn’t willing to take my hand for the rest of the journey? I’d be happy, really happy if this ain’t happened but now, I am trying to be happy all these days and I guess I’m a little but who cares! I am not missing you the way I used to these days though and I think its a good thing. I am not really looking for someone to be out there to make you feel jealous like you did, as I really don’t give a damn to you about what you think of me now. I have given you enough chances to say those words I wanted to hear but you never said them and now I’m not gonna wait for them to come out… I am not anything like that girl you think you’re in love with, I am not that pretty, I know she is beautiful and I can’t compete that but if looks really matter than it might not be you who I was choosing all this time around… and now I think I’m gonna get someone really cute and smart at the same time who might not be like you in every single way, and I know who thats gonna be… Well, this is how life is you see! I am not you damn girl anymore, crying and breaking down every single night no more. I am going to be happy soon and you’ll see I will!!!

Its killing me to see you go after all this time!

I don’t know why it is like this but I know it is and that I can’t take it this way. don’t wanna talk about it, don’t wanna reveal my deepest secrets when you are not feeling the same about me. Whatever! we both know we have to move on and go along with the paths you chose once. I know you never wanted me to be there like I did, and I know I can’t go back, its a matter of my self respect and I do respect myself more than my emotions. Just don’t know who to talk to or what way I can let it all out of me. I’m screaming out loud even though I know you wouldn’t listen to me anymore but still… I am gonna lose my mind thinking about you. Its so hard for me but seeing you’re doing well with your life make me feel kind of good. I know there are the most caring souls around you that would make you feel good at times you need them. Its just that I don’t have anyone to save me from all this. I can’t have you, not the way it was, it was too unbearable for me now. And you’d never understand why I quit, I know you wont and I can’t explain it to you seeing the result ahead… I never wanted to hurt you, this you know very well. I never knew how much pain can I cause to myself until this happened. I thought the worst thing to feel is, to miss someone, but now I know its nothing. The worst thing is, to be with someone knowing that they are not yours. Knowing that they don’t feel the same about you. Its not easy to feel like this and stay but I did, all this time. But I’m merely a human being I have my limits. I can’t cry and laugh at the same time. So I had to leave you see. May be with time you’ll realize what you’ve missed but it will be too late till then, and I can’t wait, you know me.

New Hopes, Old Life!

Its nearly  5 in the morning and I still can’t sleep. I tried but all I got was memories of the things I lost long ago. It made me think about where my life is going? Why am I still alive? I try to be happy again with others but with them even I feel this emptiness inside, I can’t laugh with all my heart these days and it makes me worried about why? I thought I knew myself and still I do but why I can’t understand what I’m feeling! its terrible to know them afterwards. I think its about me and my dreams, well the only dream I once had but… I didn’t know that I was still into it. I thought it was over and now I was moving on with my life but its not. What life is all about anyway! I don’t know if I can live if I had nothing to look forward to, and even now when I have, I feel like I can never succeed in whatever I am doing. Nobody has the faith in me, I let them all down the last time. It’s really hard to do well when you have all those people expecting you to be the best. I came to know just yesterday when I was talking to someone that they only gave up because of me, if I couldn’t nobody can… according to them. I wanted to tell them that not everybody is a loser like me and they should at least try their best and I tried to, no matter how hard it was for me to do so but still they see more of what I do than to hear what I say, and that’s a wise thing to do but not for the failures I guess. Its really hard to be a role model, even harder to stay being one. I once was a role model to them, the kids around me and now… I screwed it all. I don’t even know what to do about it. I’m not perfect, I’m not the one they should be looking to… I told them that a million times but still they won’t listen. I just want this to be over as soon as it can, I just want this year to be done soon and let the new year come with new hopes and may be when my college starts, I’d forget all about it and be my happy self again! Let’s hope its gonna be!

I’m over it!

Yea, its true! I never thought I would but its true. Somehow I got over it and now I can see my life somewhere else. I am happy about it and now it seems I can set my directions and where am I going again. How it happened? Its a mystery, may be I will go back and look how it is now to see you, well its not gonna be the same and now I can see how it was really. I never wanted to be there its true! I knew somehow that I didn’t belong there and that I should move on and see I did it. So, no more sad things, no more tears to cry. Just let the smile shine on your face and take a way to be at. You know you can better than anyone else. I learn something from it and I am happy that it happened. I would never know how it feels when you break your heart so hard if it haven’t happened so couldn’t discover how to get over it as well. You learn from every mistake you make and believe me its the best way to learn. No matter whatever it is, its gonna pass and leave you with an experience that you can’t take from anywhere else.

There’s nothing in this world I want more!!!

Yea, its so true! I want you more than anything, and anything that I ever wanted! How could I??? I am too deep in it and now it seems I’m never gonna get over it. I can’t take it the way it is and can’t take the other way as well. Its kinda confusing what it is. I’m losing my head thinking about it now and I just can’t seem to get you out of my head. I know if I really wanna get over it, I have to move on, without even looking back for a second but I spend my whole time looking at what could’ve been instead. Isn’t there anything that could just erase these memories… I can’t help it… And you haven’t got a clue about that. Ain’t it funny? I know it is. I am crying and laughing at myself at the same time… but you still can’t see. Why its had to be this way. I was just a girl who’s never done any wrong to anyone. I never thought I would get hurt like this one day once again. I once missed someone so dear to me and now I have to do without you. Its only me who can I blame for all this. I never should have started this. At the start, I thought you were all the same, like all the others… Why you gotta be different, why you gotta care about me that much… but still its not enough for me… the first time in my life and I’m jealous of someone. I never knew this feeling and I would really be happy spending all my life without knowing this feeling. And now I can’t see any way to live at all. I guess I have to stay away for a while and try to get over it. Well, I’ve been trying to get over the one I missed since 20 years now but still can’t… just hope this thing isn’t that deep in me. I should try to be strong I know. I know I have to stop looking for you to be there for me whenever I feel down. I have to be on my own again and it would kill me to be this way, literally, but I have to. I would never tell you that how much, well yea its true, I do love you so much! well, laugh at it if you wanna, I still don’t care! Yea, only you know what it means. Why you gotta understand me like this… why!!! Well, I guess I really am stupid, dying to be somewhere I’m not supposed to be.

Where am I going???

You’re walking on this way for so long without thinking about where its gonna take you, and its been a long time now and now you seem to wake up from your dream and think about where are you going? what is it and why? You ask yourself a million questions every now and then, only to find out you don’t know the answers. You don’t want to be this way, don’t wanna walk on the road that takes you nowhere but still can’t leave. You know the longer it takes you to leave the worse and yet don’t see how to make it any better! You know this is not where you should be but you seem to belong there, more than anywhere else… and you know its where you should have been… you know it more than anything else but can’t stay. You know one day… One day you would have to leave and then you’re gonna miss it like hell, its gonna make you feel worse than ever. But staying here doesn’t make you feel good as well. staying here you feel like, you’re the last person supposed to be here and you can’t get what you want never! and knowing that, you want to move on, some other way but still you’re walking on this way, so long now!!!

You can’t control every damn thing in your life, NO!

Ok I admit that I’ve been out of the way I was looking to be so many days and now I think I really need some of my optimism to restore. I don’t know how but now I am looking for a start all over again. This thing I hate the most but still I got to. I know I can’t be this way and I really should move on and I’m trying real hard these days. I am starting to try it from today, though I never thought today would be the day to do so as I got the final confirmation today that I would not get what I wanted the most in my life and I still want it more than my life even… yea my life is nothing to me without it, and even though I tried my life away to have it, I still couldn’t which made me feel more worse than I ever could feel. But yeah! You can’t control every damn thing of your life. You got to move on and do what you have to do. Though at first it may seem a little crazy. It may seem stupid to you that you got to work for a smile on your face while someone is talking to you or laugh at things you’re supposed to laugh at or even searching for the words you should say to those who love you but still you gotta start from somewhere. You gotta be you, and leave this thing behind that is making your life more miserable than it ever could. Its killing you inside but still the worlds not all that thing and there are more of the things that worth your time. May be there’s a lot better way to walk on, where you could shine like you deserver to be, you just gotta search for it. Having all this in my mind, I am starting to move on, from today, from now, from this moment! So, wish me luck!!!

Am I still ALIVE???

I wonder if anyone, you know ANYONE in the world would have life like this. My life is a hell of a mess these days and yeah, its not only these days, its been like this since Oh God! I don’t know it seems like forever! Have you ever wondered when in the world its gonna change? Well, I never did. I simply knew its never gonna be! But sometimes I wonder why? Why my life is all about second choices? Why I can never get what I want? I just look at those people who are getting what they want and are proud of the way they are. I used to be proud of mine too but now! Now its nothing to me… nothing to me the way I am. I suck more than anyone ever could. But why do I long for the things that I know I can never get then? Why the hell I can’t stop thinking about the things like the way they aren’t? At first it was bearable, when I thought it was just this and I might move on one day and I would if only my life wouldn’t make me feel that again and again like this. I’ve lost so many things that I thought I couldn’t live without and… Yeah I’m still living! Ain’t it great! The way it looks that I’m alive. But am I in real??? I know I’m just breathing and doing stuff I should be doing but really! Its killing me if its not already. Why my life is always about second choices? I used to not care about whatever is with me or not. I used to live in my own world… but now, I’ve lost my own world too. Now where am I gonna go? What am I gonna do? This question is haunting me even in my dreams. I know not what to do to or where to run to make it all alright again. There are enough people around me who are more than just awesome and which makes me feel like I am a loser… Oh how I wish I’d die when I was 19. I almost did but someone pulled me out of it and now I wish, just wish that I was dead till now!!!

Life, a big joke!!!

What is it? You’re just so confused and totally out of your mind trying to figure it out but it is making you lose yourself to not being able to do so. You know you can’t be this way, but you can’t see any other way to be. You never wanted yourself to be like this and now you never wanna wake up again and just wanna hide away somewhere where no one can ever get you. Where you don’t have to hide your feelings and where you can just scream out loud and get it all out of you. And knowing that you can’t, you just don’t wanna wake up in the morning and face everyone and their questions about the thing you wanna forget totally. So now You wake up at night instead when everyone else is asleep and nobody can see you crying. You want to be left alone yea. Strange! You never thought one day you’d feel like that but you do. And let it be till you’re over it or its over you! Life’s nothing but a big joke to you now that you have to live!!!

I’m a loser!

Yea, thats so true! and I gotta face it. All my friends keep telling me that I am really great and I can do whatever I want and I really believed them until… well, until I got myself here, totally failed to achieve what I wanted most in life. I thought I’m gonna try and its gonna be ok… in the end it always does but this time is not like the others. May be its not the end or may be its just the starting of something really bad! All I know is that I’m never gonna be able to believe in myself again and I don’t even know if I’m ever gonna start trying again. I’m so sick of trying again and again and I’m giving up now. Simply giving up! Ah… never thought I’d say that but its me hell sure of that I wont. I don’t look for someone to be out there these days. I want to be left alone. Who’d want to be with a loser like me anyway. I just wanna hide somewhere but only if I could. All my friends wanna see me good and great. They love me just like that, that they were more worried than even me that how would I cope this. I know they would get worried about me if I’m not fine. So for them, I have to hold myself together and act normal, even when I’m breaking and screaming inside so loud. I just have to smile and as good as I am at acting I think I would make them believe that I’m just doing well. They’d be suspicious in the start but as time will pass they’ll forget all about it. And then I’d be free to go anywhere on my own. Well, lets hope I’d be able to hold it back till then. Hope! haven’t left of it any but whatever!!!