First and last!

so little time left
till it’s not in my hands
like everything in this world
you’ll leave me on my own
you’ll be gone and I’ll be left to stay

I wanna love you forever
in this little time we’ve left
yet you’re cold and out of reach
I try to call you my own
but you’re not mine and I’m not yours
yea it’s true, you’re someone else’s home
and I’m just alone

and someday I’ll be forced to leave
the very first thing that I ever thought was true
so I try to hold on
try to take whatever you give
to love you more and deep till there’s nothing left to live

 
still you don’t see the tears in my eyes
that long to fall off my cheeks
the words are on my mind
but my mouth is sealed with smile
i’ll never let you know
how it kills me inside just the thought of you gone

I know you’ll feel it too if I went away
but you promised someone else and you wont give her up
yea you wont and I wont do the same
’cause you promised her and I promised myself
and we’re both not the kind to break anything but our hearts

so with the little time I’m left I’ll love you more and more
even if it kills me when I’m left alone.

The Versatile blogger Award!

So, as you may know the game is on here at wordpress and somehow I’m in it now, thanks to my fellow blogger who nominated me. And even though my blog is hardly ( more as in never been) a versatile kind, I’m just going to go along with it, just for a change!

So, first the rules:

1.Add a picture of the award to this post.

2.Thank who nominated you.

3.Nominate 15 other Bloggers and inform those 15 they have been nominated.

4.Share 7 random facts about yourself.

Thanks to http://wherelionsroam.wordpress.com/ for nominating my blog http://lifeafairytale.wordpress.com/ for this award.

Here are the 15 other nominations. (Definitely not in order though )

1- http://glitteringsoot.wordpress.com/

2- http://idpm.wordpress.com/

3- http://wherelionsroam.wordpress.com/

4- http://marinasleeps.wordpress.com/

5- http://bryliejane.wordpress.com/

6- http://definitelylinda.wordpress.com/

7- http://tyakhan.wordpress.com/

8- http://thoughthinker.wordpress.com/

9- http://inspirejealousy.wordpress.com/

10- http://theinkfox.wordpress.com/

11- http://girlsheartbooks.com/

12- http://tracilee.wordpress.com/

13- http://lauragrai.wordpress.com/

14- http://parryelwahey.wordpress.com/

15- http://justformyfriend.wordpress.com/

Now 7 random fact, hmm lets see!

1- English is not my first language.

2- Blue is my favorite color.

3- I love reading books, and writing about anything.

4- I’m a huge fan of poetry.

5- I love learning new things everyday.

6- I can’t stand people judging others.

7- I like the way I am.

Frozen!

She had stayed too long

now she can not just leave

her feelings were too strong

she couldn’t stop to grieve

she had to know whats done

what could and would have been

the distance, where to run

from that last frozen scene

her eyes now just have lost

those twinkling stars they held

the price of love the cost

took all the joys she felt

her lips so red now cold

are frozen dark and blue

the smile they once did hold

is lost somewhere, its true

her face, that glowed with hope

has lost its light in pain

with nothing left to cope

and nothing left to gain

her soul, oh please dun ask

whats left of her is cold

her words, oh just a mask

to hide the pain she holds,

she’s walking but she’s drowning

in seas of long lost thoughts

she’s smiling but she’s hiding

the screams so loud, wont stop

if you saw her then and now

you’ll see there someone else

the one that does not know

the one that sees nor tells

she’s living but she’s dying

with every breath she takes

and soon there will be time

her heart would no more break.

The goodbye!

The reason it hurts so much to separate is because our souls are connected. Maybe they always have been and will be. Maybe we’ve lived a thousand lives before this one and in each one of them we’ve found each other. And maybe each time, we’ve been forced apart for the same reasons. That means that this good-bye is both a good-bye for the past ten thousand years and a prelude to what will come.
When I look at you, I see your beauty and grace and know they have grown stronger with every life you have lived. And I know I have spent every life before this one searching for you. Not someone like you, but you, for your soul and mine must always come together. And then, for a reason neither of us understands, we’ve been forced to say good-bye.
I would love to tell you that everything will work out for us, and I promise to do all that I can to make sure it does. But if we never meet again and this is truly good-bye, I know we will see each other again in another life. We will find each other again, and maybe the stars will have changed, and we will not only love each other in that time, but for all the times we have had before.

A quote from my favorite book “THE NOTEBOOK”. I wish I couldn’t relate to it that much!

Empty heart!

Wanting to go our separate ways

the restless nights, the lonesome days

long forgotten friendship, faith

losing sanity, foreseen fate

detached soul in distant place

deformed dreams, this tiring phase

distorted reality, ambiguous state

crazy smiles, oh all so fake

empty hands, desperate taste

lifeless eyes, oh need no praise

senseless words, that stupid haste

intense emotions oh all go waste

perfect future, no heartbreak

priceless memories, of all no trace

so hold it tight and leave its late

to hold it back, oh heart does break.

…………………..

I’m feelin like crap again…

The one life that we’ve got!!!

So, this is how it’s gonna be now? you being all messed up about whatever and not giving a damn about what I am goin through? yea, cuz your life is so full of misery that you dun have to look out for me too, I knew I was asking for too much when I asked you to…but that doesn’t matter now, I can’t make you do things you dun want to and trust me that’s the last thing I would wanna do. You’re free to go, like always, I will try to keep my tears inside and will not show any sign of remorse. I’ll try to play it kool like I always did and as good as you are of knowing what I feel you’ll never know. I’ll try to cover my pain in a smile and will not look too far to go in my life. But remember if I ever let you go, for real, you’ll always be a part of me. May be I’ll survive, may be I’ll be able to hide it from myself and pretend I dun care about you any more but you’ll be there in my heart. And when the sun goes down without you there I’ll be alone but I’ll know I was destined to be that way. I dun wanna be any more of a burden to you, you’re free to go your way, even if it kills me I’ll take it. I wont make a sound while screaming out inside to you that please dun leave me and when the world goes down you’ll be the last thought in my mind and I’ll know that I’ve lived, that you’re okay with whatever you’ve chosen to live with. and through the skies I’ll watch over you, like I always did, but you didn’t know and you will not, not even then.

Where do I go from here!

I don’t know what to think any more, how not to be this pathetic now. I’m trying everything I can just to keep my mind off of things, but it seems so impossible. I know I need help and I’m trying to open up to people even when it feels like the most weird thing to do but somehow I’m doing so just to stop these feelings that are eating me alive. Last night I poured my heart out to someone else for the first time, for the first time in my life I told someone about you…and guess what he’s a great listener but the last thing I want right now is history to repeat itself, and I cannot believe how cautious I’ve become, I mean I always was so careful but I never realized how much I’ve grown these last couple of years, now I dun expect anything from anyone, thanks to whatever I’m not the same any more and I think it’s a good thing. But I miss the old me, the one who used to be fun, who didn’t have a care in the world. Does everyone go through the same? Is this what growing up feels like? No wonder people never wanna grow up. I feel so alone, even when I’m with people, even with my closest friends. How much time does it take to get over someone? Anybody knows? I’d really love to know. I dunno if I ever will be able to be over it, it was once the best thing in my life, and as much as I like to deny it, it is the fact that it still is the best thing of my life, even with all this pain and tears, even with you gone, even with nothing left to live for…those were the times when life felt worth living for…but it’s all over for you, you dun even talk to me any more, how come it’s so easy for you and not for me. I dun know what to do any more, I don’t know where to look for help. I wish you were here right now…but guess not all wishes are meant to come true…well, not mine any way!

Me and my heart, we got issues!

You’re one hell of a confused thing, why the hell you gotta make me believe you love me while in real it’s just some dumb imagination of mine, you don’t love me, you never did, and as much as I hate it, it’s the fact, the bitter truth of my life that I have to live with, but this agony I’m in is not self-inflicted, you’re still making me go deep in it without even wanting to, and I just let you, knowing I have a long long way out ahead, and still I long to go in deeper and deeper, knowing it’s only gonna bring more pain seeing you with her, that there’s nothing to gain but everytime you’re there I just forget all about it, forget about how would I feel afterwards and just be with you, until I can’t anymore and then I burst, like a volcano that’s been sleeping for ages, but somewhere deep in it there’s still fire that will come out in time. My mind tells me I should run, as fast as I can for dear life, but my heart says no, I can’t live without you, no matter how many times you’ve betrayed me it wont stop beating for you and just you, and how I wish it could, I’d give anything, everything just to get out of this pain…if only I could! and this is one of those times when I am dying again, killing myself thinking about who the hell you are to me and what the hell am I to you, you sure don’t love me, but why then am I there? why the hell I can’t just tell you off and leave? I am gonna have to do this one day I know that but I have some issues with me since I was a child and I can’t just leave you, I need to think I mean something to you, you were my only hope once, I need to think that somehow I wasn’t as bad as they made me think, that certain someone didn’t leave me cuz I deserved it, that somehow they were wrong, that I could be loved, but that’s just what I thought, you’ve left me, and I’m alone in the dark once again and here I am, standing alone with my eyes shut so tight, making myself believe that you’re there, just like I did back in my childhood…yea just like that!

I am 25!!!

Wow, that does sound like I’m old…at least to the younger me I am, I used to see 25 as a mile stone towards where I am going in my life, the things I always wanted, the dreams I always wanted to come true.

here’s what I thought I would be at 25, first I thought I probably would have married by now, have the sweetest hubby at home while being done with my medical degree I would be working at some hospital or may be studying some more medicine, and I’ll have this some cute and caring circle of intimate friends with whom I’ll share everything, I somehow thought I will be somebody by now, but here I am, have nothing figured out yet, my life all hell of a mess still…but even though I haven’t got what I wished for, I have grown so much in these years, I now know what people really are, I have lost all, and I quote ALL of my friends, funny as it seems first time in my life and I have no one, no one at all…and this time I am really alone and me saying it means something cuz man, I’ve been alone in my life always but I guess its a good thing, I dun need some backstabers in my life anyway. So, now I’m waiting for my life to begin again, I probably will have some new friends, although I might be a hell lot more careful choosing them this time, but someone will be there, that’s for sure.

I wonder why I am so stupid that I always get betrayed and deceived, why am I the one they think they can lie to at the face and expect to go along with it, may be because I never confront them about it, may be cuz I always think they will be ashamed of doing so and see what they really are doing to me, but I guess I gotta stand up for myself now, and not care about what it would make them feel. I’m crazy I know, I care too much, their feelings mean a lot to me than my own and it’s stupid, I gotta change it and I will.

About my love life, ah, that’s another story…I dun think I will ever meet a guy who will actually get me, and be there for me when I’m feeling all messed up…I’m completely over the last one and not looking for some new experiences of getting hurt again, yea that’s all I know about love, be all hurt and cry while smiling in front of others so that they wont know, be betrayed and cheated on by some jerk just cuz you were sticking up to them while they were OVER you, without even bothering to tell you that they were breaking up with you, and you were thinking that the mixed signals they are giving you were them showing they still LOVED you! Yea I am stupid I didn’t know he was over me, after he told me he loved me and then I find out one day about that OTHER girl! uh…I think I dun wanna be in love ever again.

So, here’s to my dreams coming all to nothing, here’s to the nothing I have become!